Feeling powerless?

Do you feel really stuck at times?

You know you want something to change but it seems like everyone but you has control. Whether it’s your personal life or at work, is there someone else putting constraints on you and making you feel like you don’t have power?

I’ve recently been experiencing this. In my previous post, I shared how lack of clarity caused some of my ‘stuckness’. Gaining that clarity certainly helped move me forward, but then I faced another hurdle. Despite feeling clear about what I wanted, I was still ‘stuck’ with the constraints that had been placed on me by others. Let’s face it, even a CEO has the board and stakeholders to answer to. So how can we move through that resistance to get the results we want?

I’m sharing what’s recently worked for me and hope it might help you get unstuck too.

It’s simple really! All I had to do was ask for what I wanted!

OK, it’s not quite that simple

I thought I had been asking for what I wanted. I had been using words to describe my needs to the people that could remove the blockers. But it wasn’t getting what I needed. Then I had a breakthrough conversation and gained the backing I needed. At first, I was bewildered… I knew I went into that conversation more confidently, but I felt like I had been saying the same things for months. So what had changed? Was it just good timing? Was it them, not me?

I discussed this with my coach and she helped me understand what had changed. I had changed. I had prepared for that conversation differently. My coach reminded me that our words are such a small part of the way we communicate. I went into that conversation with a completely different demeanour. I went in with self-confidence. I wholeheartedly knew the value of what I had to say. But most importantly, before I went in, I checked and then dropped any assumptions I had about how the other person would react. People pick up on our feelings and they can feel when they are being judged. When we approach someone with any belief that they won’t support our request, we are actually judging them. Without realising it, we carry this with us and it negatively impacts our conversation with them.

Try this

Next time you speak to someone who has control over something you care about, prepare yourself before the conversation. Ask yourself these questions (or talk it through with someone you trust):

• What story am I telling myself? (I was doubting myself, especially as I hadn’t got the results I wanted until now)

• What assumptions am I making about them? (I was assuming that this person thought I wasn’t good enough to do this role. I thought he was judging me but I was actually judging him)

• How do I want to show up? (I want to show up confidently representing the ideas, knowledge and experience I know is relevant, and with genuine, open curiosity about their response)

Amazingly, it was within my control to shift the power balance in a win-win way. When we show up differently, we can get different results.

Please do share your ‘power’ experiences in the comments: try these tips and let me know what happens, or share tips that have helped you get a healthy balance of power in a relationship.